Can we be Friends?

I’m so excited to share some advice from one of my most trusted mentors today. Christy Fogg (MSW, LCSW) has been my therapist for over 5 years now. I trust her immensely and am so excited to share her take on the age old question: can I be friends with my ex?

1. First off, do you think it is even possible to be friends after a breakup?

I think in rare situations it can work. However, my observation is that more often than not, it doesn't. First of all, feelings often don't fade quickly. It is complicated and sticky to be friends with someone you still are attracted to and/or care deeply about. It's also hard to re-establish a friendship when you have already crossed the line into a relationship. Sometimes even after a break-up, those lines are blurry. How would each of you feel when the other person moves on and starts dating again? Is one of you hoping to eventually get back together? There are many things to consider and boundaries that would need to be established. I've also noticed that those who have established healthy friendships with exes often allow some time to pass before they try to be friends again. It's good to let the dust settle.

2. In what situations would being friends after a breakup be unhealthy?

If the relationship was unhealthy and toxic, there is no reason to remain friends with your ex. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. I would also add, if the break up was messy, it would not be wise to try to create a friendship. If one or both of you struggle with boundaries, also probably not smart.

3. Ok so I want to be friends with an ex. What are some boundaries I need to put in place?

Start with having open conversations with your ex about expectations and needs. What do you both want the friendship to look like? How often will you communicate/see one another? How will you handle it when the other starts dating? Are there topics that need to be off-limits from your past relationship? Will you hang out one-on-one, or in groups? Are you ok with hugs, or do you need to stick with high-five's? Are there any lingering feelings, or are you both in a place of being platonic? The big question is....are you both on the same page?

I would also add, when one or both of you start dating again, the boundaries will probably need to shift again out of respect to the new partners.

4. Along those lines, let's say I start dating someone else. Is it bad to still be friends with my ex?

This is a situation where boundaries absolutely have to be solid. There has to be clear expectations on both sides that you are only friends. I also think it is important and fair to let the person you are dating know that this friend is an ex, and to discuss what they are comfortable with. For example, are they ok with you being friends with your ex as long as you only hang out in group settings and don't text them one-on-one? Are they comfortable with the idea of also becoming friends with the ex? What does that need to look like for your new partner to feel secure? Open communication is imperative here, and the last thing you want is for the new relationship to be negatively impacted by the old one.

To learn more about Christy’s counseling practice, visit her at https://www.journeytojoycounseling.com.