As the French Do

Thomas has been a friend of mine for almost 5 year now. We met during a student exchange program and have been friends ever since. I was so curious about the French perspective on dating, so I gave him the title of resident French expert to fill us all in.

What are dating apps like in France? What is the reputation? Do you know people that have actually met their partner off of a dating app?

They started with a dodgy reputation to be fair, in the sense that they were pretty much used to find hookups. However, it has since became very acceptable given that they are now used by everyone and not only those looking for hookups. After a brain check I realized that EVERY friend of mine used Tinder while single, some having more luck than others. I know that dating apps can also used to break barriers more easily and approach acquaintances in a more relaxed way. Two of my friends met their long term partners on dating apps. I also know a lot of people that made friends of the opposite gender on dating apps, (either through the intentional search for friends or friend-zoning). In France, Tinder is really the real deal. There are a couple of alternatives, but they are not nearly as popular. It seems that it is getting more and more popular with people over 30.

2. How is dating an American viewed as a French person? Is there any sort of stigma?

Absolutely not! It’s actually quite Hollywood-esque because of all the High School based teen movies.

3. Similarly, is there a stigma around dating someone from a different European background?

That is a more complex question because the of the different stereotypes and mentalities each country have. For example, there are a lot of movies (again referencing pop culture) involving French-Spanish couples, or French-Italian couples. There are the famous British rom-coms…but anything else that doesn’t have the same sort of image around it is probably more mistrustful from a third party perspective.

4. What does a typical first date look like in France?

Disclaimer: this doesn’t really count for the COVID days, but usually a first date would be at a bar or a café if it’s during the day. You gotta keep in mind that the bar culture is differenct in continental Europe, so a bar might be less of a dodgy place. Typically they have a terrace, and are actually one of the most popular social places. When you’re a teenager, the cinema is a classic. I think dates are less formal, in the sense that the first date, even if it’s important, is less “sacred” than in the US culture. An afternoon in the city center or the park to eat an ice cream is also classic. Museum dates are a good pick for the more cultural people. Very sporty people sure have their own things but I don’t know about this 😂 #couchpotato

No, a fancy dinner with a view on the Eiffel Tower is not a typical first date.

5. Given that France is a largely secular country, do you think that religion plays a part in dating? Or do you think that is a thing of the past? 

Religion doesn’t really matter in relationships. Even when it comes to people with Christian beliefs, it’s rarely taken into account. For example, it’s extremely rare to find people that wait until they’re married to have sex. I am absolutely not saying that everyone considers having sex on the first date, but I would tend to think it only really matters in very conservative families (and most of the time from parental pressure).  Most of the time there is no pressure from the other partner if one’s religious and the other one’s not, as long as there’s mutual respect.

6. What about politics? Do you find that most French couples have similar political beliefs?

Most of the time, I would say no.

7. I remember learning about marriage and les PACS in French class. Would you say that there is a pressure to get married in France? Do you feel that les PACS provides a lower pressure alternative to marriage? I guess just weigh in on marriage/partnership in France in general. I have a feeling it is quite different than in the US. 

Indeed, the point of the PACS (Pacte Civil de Solidarité) is to have most of the benefits of marriage in terms of financial security (for example, to be sure that a partner will get inheritance). When you’re pacsé or married you pay less taxes. It’s still used but less popular since same-sex marriage has been legal since 2013. Before that, there was no other way to become legally tied to a person of the same-sex. I also learnt during law school that you can also get PACSé (“PACSed”, we say « être pacsé ») to let’s say, your best friend if that’s what you want. You don’t have to be in a proper relationship for this. However I have no data if it’s often used that way. The practical point of the PACS is that it’s very easy to terminate it, unlike a divorce. 

As I said before, people…they don’t just wait on marriage to do the reproduction process. It’s largely socially acceptable to live together without being married, so you feel that you’re less likely to make a mistake by marrying the wrong person. It lots of cases married couples already lived with one different person before getting married. Some people also consider the process of having and raising a child more “sacred” and important in a relationship than marriage, making it the actual “lifetime tie” to someone. Getting married, at that point, is like a bonus to celebrate their love. 

I forget how is it in the US, but remember that in France you can only get legally married at the Town Hall. After that, THEN you can celebrate it in a religious way at the church, but a church marriage has no legal value. Marriages celebrated religiously outside of a church are quite rare. I feel that more and more the pressure of getting married at the church is from the parents or grandparents that grew up in more religious backgrounds.

Anything to add?

I would say also that it’s very acceptable for a boy to go into a girl’s room at her parents house (or the other way around)  for a casual date. Or later, for a guy to sleep at a girl’s place in her room (or vice versa). It is something French dads mentally prepare for their whole life when they have a girl haha. In general this is after at least 6-12 months of dating.

*Edits made for readability*